The Unforgiveness
I am really struggling lately with unforgiveness. Specifically regarding the sexual abuse at the hands of my brother. I try but fail to explain that it was more than molestation. It was predatory. His actions were done with malicious forethought. He intentionally humiliated me. Repeatedly. He was, and I think still is, a predator. He was, and I think still is, a pedophile. My first inclination is that I should be PUTTING HIM IN JAIL!I guess the reason that it seems to 'suddenly' be a problem is because I am finding myself able to identify some of the lingering effects of that early victimization in my daily life. I see how it sometimes dictates my moods and the direction of my overactive mind, regardless of the amount of effort I put into the facade of "being in a good mood" or ignoring obsessive compulsive thoughts. I see how it drives me from contentment to depression and back, seemingly at will.
My faith declares that in order to be forgiven, I must forgive those who have wronged me. Some may say my faith is weak, but I have to be honest, I just do not see how I will ever be able to offer forgiveness to my mother's son, Ray. He is a pig; a swine; the filthiest of all animals.
Brainfart! I just had a memory of an incident where he enticed me into the bedroom with an offer of money. He told me there was six dollars in this little Conestoga-shaped penny bank that he kept quarters in. I had always wanted that little bank even though it said Pioneer Bank on the side. It was just the coolest thing. I bargained with him until he agreed to give me the bank as well as the six dollars.
It doesn't bother me now that I bargained with him for the bank. I knew IT was going to happen anyway, regardless of what happened in the mean time. What bothers me now is that I was such a gullible little idiot back then that I believed him.
After his normal pressuring techniques, he tired of my rejection and forced me to go down on him. When he was done he laughed and threw the bank at me for spitting on him. I ran out, and when I came back later the bank was there, but empty. So, not only am I a whore, I am a reluctant, ripped-off whore. I swore I would never fall for the money trick again. I was 9 years old.
Tell ya' what. I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I want your help. I have a dilemma that I will explain, and I'd like for you, whoever you are, to leave me a comment and tell me what you think. Anonymous if you like. Please, it means allot to me. OK?
Situation:
1) I have discovered that in the state of Louisiana (where I lived as a kid) the statute of limitations for Sexual Assault of a Minor, after the minor turns eighteen, is one year from the date of discovery, regardless of age at the time of discovery.
2) I have a nephew who was victimized by the same person. I have yet to talk to him, but I believe that he will back me up.
3) I am afraid that they would not allow the law in my case based on the "discovery" part.
4) I do have a Plan B. - Go to Michigan myself and spy his ass out. I can be discreet, and I can take telephoto photographs.
what do you think?
-b
posted by Black Heart at 2:49 AM
9 Comments:
It's tempting to try to catch him now, since he's most likely still preying on innocents, but you have to cover your own butt here. If you can do it in such a way as to not get yourself into trouble for spying on him and taking photographs, it may go a long way to helping you exorcise your demons.
You are not a whore. You have nothing to be forgiven for. Not even your lingering resentment and and hate could be held against you by any fair and just God. In fact, you deserve extra credit for breaking the cycle, and becoming a decent person despite your tragic young life.
Molestation should be like murder, with no statute of limitations. Molesting does, after all, kill a part of the victim.
I would totally like to see your brother behind bars. How old is this nephew now?
Is it really practical for you to head to wherever he lives and spy until some incriminating evidence is found. What photographic evidence can you capture with a camera? I doubt he's doing this shit in his backyard.
On the other hand, it may be possible, through spying, to find out which children he has contact with, and then go directly to their parents, explain who you are and why you're concerned... and encourage them to talk with their kids and make sure nothing is going on.
The only problem with that is pedaphiles tend to pick children who lack open, trusting relationships with their parents... leaving the child to feel truly and utterly alone and helpless.
I have no advice. I would want to fuck the guy up... not in a beat his ass way (although that wouldn't hurt!) but in a screw up his life forever and let him get raped in prison kind of way.
It is totally your choice... and i look forward to hearing what course of action, if any, you decide.
Don't let the bible hold you to impossible standards. It seems like that is where a lot of your guilt is coming from... and face it dude - you are human. Like you said, these thoughts and moods seem to "happen" to you at will, and you're only responsible for how you react to them, NOT for having them in the first place.
I think you are an incredibly brave person, and this post proves it. I didn't expect you to provide such details, but I'm glad you did.
I TRULY wish you the best.
Hey Billy, Thanks for your openness. I will offer a comment, and although I respect Rachael as always sincere in her warm and loving advice, I don't totally agree with her on this one (Sorry Rachael). The implication from people who think it's an impossible standard to forgive - and that includes most people - don't understand the idea of forgiveness in the bible. Forgiveness is for the forgiver - not the perpetrator. He truly, utterly, and absolutely doesn't deserve your forgiveness, and if it was for him, I'd agree with Rachael. It's for you, though, that God wants you to forgive. He knows that unforgiveness and bitterness eats the survivor alive, allowing the perpetrator to continue to own and abuse their victim for years after the actual abuse has stopped. If you can have him thrown in jail without it consuming your entire life, then absolutely do it. God wants us to forgive for our own sakes, but that doesn't in any way eliminate accountability and consequences. You can forgive him while he's in jail just as easily (and possibly more easily) than if he's out, and the other children will be safer. There are lots of people in the bible who are forgiven by God but still held accountable and paid the consequence of their sin (See David with Bathsheba, for instance). Forgiveness is for you so you'll have peace, and you'll understand the significance of God's forgiveness of us in all our sin. Work toward that with all your heart, and rely on God for strength. But accountability is different, is biblical, and is in order. Call the authorities immediately. Don't let it consume you and allow him to continue to abuse you in absence, though. Your life is too valuable. I'd be glad for a dialogue about it. God bless, Sue
I feel a need to make an additional point here. Forgiveness doesn't say "What you did is okay and wiped off the face of the planet. I trust you now, so we can be friends/brothers again. It's all okay." It doesn't say that at all. Forgiveness says very simply, "I've felt all this time that you owed me something for what you did to me. Feeling that way has kept me in bondage, waiting in anticipation for that 'payment.' I no longer require, nor do I anticipate, any payment from you. The act has not been condoned, but the payment for it that, rightfully, you owe me, has now been cleared from the 'books.' Much more than releasing him, you've released yourself from the expectation that he'll pay. You're free once you've done that. You can forgive him, but still take action that he be held accountable. Forgiveness is about the debt he owes you, and accountability is the debt he owes society for the wrong he committed. As a society with social rules, he still owes that debt. Your forgiveness of him doesn't absolve him of responsibility to pay the price to society and to God for his act. That's between him and society, and between him and God. God grieves over your lack of forgiveness because you're his child and He loves you. He sees you hurting yourself and hanging on to bitterness that is eating your insides out and robbing you of your God-given joy. Your forgiveness is about you and you alone. Your brother doesn't even have to know, and until you forgive him, he is still abusing you - but this time with your permission and cooperation. Just let it go and be free of it. Embrace the pure, clean air of forgiveness, and let society and God deal with your brother. Romans 12 says "Make room for the wrath of God." Forgiveness does that. (If your desire is to do that, but you're struggling, then pray to God to put that forgiveness in your heart. You may have to pray that prayer for a while, but if your motive is pure, He'll be faithful and answer the prayer, and deliver you from this bondage.) God Bless, Sue
Sorry for the incessant intrusion, but I had another thought about the legal stuff. If you've passed the statute of limitations, then you may not be able to have him put in jail on your own abuse. But if you call the Department of Social Services child welfare department where he lives and tell them what happened to you, they should investigate him themselves just to make sure any children in his path now are safe, and if nothing else, put him on alert that he's being watched. Plus, his name will be in the system regardless. Tell them that you believe the status of limitations has passed and you're not trying to go after him for yourself, but that you're convinced he's still dangerous and want him investigated to make sure there aren't any other children in danger. And concerning him finding out you called, it's the law that they absolutely cannot divulge who reported him, so you'd be totally anonymous reporting it. They take that anonymity extremely seriously. As a matter of fact, if you call back to find out what's happening with your report, they can't even acknowledge to you that you called. Very secretive. That's probably the best first step, and then keep your ears open in the family to see if anything is happening with him.
Shit - I fee like I;m reading Sue's blog here! Just kidding, sue! I actually found your comments healing and insighful.
Forgiveness is definitely for the victim... it's a way of rising above. My only point was that Billy shouldn't feel guilty over lingering feelings of resentment. Dealing with those feeling must take place before forgiveness is possible... and dealing with this level of betrayal, I don't think he should feel guilty by "not being there YET".
Sorry to talk about you in the third person Black Heart... I'm done now...
I wish nothing but for you to come to grips with this issue. It might ne time to check your motives...
Do you want to punish him, or do you want to help current and future victims? Keep in mind there is no wrong answer... but answering might help illustrate where you are on your path.
ANd Sue's right on that point... your healing must supercede all other goals. AND an internal struggle is natural... regardless of your faith and your desire to put this behind you.
I can't imagine what you went through. Before you had the chance to develop coping skills, you were subjected to humiliation nd cruelty by someone you should have been able to trust with your life. Doesn't natural law dictate that families share a tighter bond than acquaintences.
You were betrayed in a big BIG way! And all I'm saying is that anger is an appropriate response.
You mentioned having children. I'm curious how much of this you shared with the women you were able to love.
I think you should read my words, sue's words, adn anyone's else's words... and adopt what feels right, and ignore anythign that seems misguided. This is your life, man, nd although you asked for input, you may not have expected this deep, abnd porbably too personal, level of input.
I wish you woudl write more. I can't help but wonder where your head is right now.
I feel a little guilty commenting on something I really know nothing about. Lots of bad shit has happened to me, but nothing like this. I wil shuit up the momment you ask me too.
I wish you well... well as in healed. I'm impressed with what you've been able to write so far, adn if you find it helpful, I hope you'll keep it up. I'm a frim believer that we all intuitvely know the right answers for ourselves. Our comments might be hepful, or they might just muck up your thought process.
You may not be able to predict your brother's future. You may not be able to save the children or put him in jail, but you are the author of your life. Maybe you have thoughts in your head that keep you up at night... but they are just thoughts... and there's nothign bd about them... that's just your brain trying to heal while you're focused on other things.
At least that's what I think... if you find this opinion, feel free to dismiss it. Like you need my permission! Sorry!
Wishing you well - Rachael...
Hey Billy,
How are you doing these days? You're in my prayers, and I wanted to touch base and see how things are going in your life.
Sue
Yes, Billy - where are ytou and how are you doing? I got a comment from you the other day... so I know you're alive and kicking. How's the band doing? The desire to blog is very different for differnt people.... and I'm going to assume you are doing just fine until I hear differently. I have a twinge of worry (I'm a mom, I can't help it, but I trust you to know what the hell you're doing. In either case, I'm an email away and I would love to NOT have to wonder & hope...
Billy, and anyone else reading this who is a victim of childhood trauma, there's a great book that I'd recommend. It's called "Invisible Heroes," by Belle Ruth Naperstek.
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