The Questions to God - Part 1
You know that it is You who I am angry at, and You’ve known all along. Why are you now imparting this information to me. Do you want me to be angry? Are you saying that you would rather me be angry with You than with myself or others? You’re gonna have to give me some answers. This thing has began to wreck my fragile existence here. Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choices, or allowed them to be made without me. And were they so right after all?
Who decided I was a worship leader? I'd like to know. I can barely lead myself from one day to the next, much less a room full of people in praise of the Most High. Was it You, or was it me? Or, was it Don, and I just wanted so hard to believe him and "belong" somewhere that I allowed myself to be drawn into that role.
I do not have the proper qualifications, by my own standards, to stand in front of Your people. How could I possibly qualify by Your standard? Granted, You have gifted me with voice and ability to play, but why the conflict?
Why did I have to suffer so much as a child? How could a merciful God allow me to be raped repeatedly? Why do I have to deal with this now? What is your point?
-b
Who decided I was a worship leader? I'd like to know. I can barely lead myself from one day to the next, much less a room full of people in praise of the Most High. Was it You, or was it me? Or, was it Don, and I just wanted so hard to believe him and "belong" somewhere that I allowed myself to be drawn into that role.
I do not have the proper qualifications, by my own standards, to stand in front of Your people. How could I possibly qualify by Your standard? Granted, You have gifted me with voice and ability to play, but why the conflict?
Why did I have to suffer so much as a child? How could a merciful God allow me to be raped repeatedly? Why do I have to deal with this now? What is your point?
-b
posted by Black Heart at 11:22 PM
6 Comments:
no doubt there will be more of these to come
hi, i was looking around at i stopped at urs..
i'm also a worship leader..but there are times when i even have to drag myself to lead in for myself. I would wonder is everything chosen by me or by the person who introduced me to it..But i think the answer should be God Himself..He chose you!
u know..how do the people and u feel when u are leading..? ask urself..If u're not leading them towards the most high..den mayeb there's a problem, but if they felt God..they felt good..i think u've done a good job!!
Keep on keeping on!! Bless u!!
you have no one to "prove yourself" to. Not even God.
I once heard that asking "why me" was like picking a fight with god... I didn't care.. I WANTED to pick a fight with god. I wanted some fucking answers that woudl explain why I subjected to so much pain... pain that wasn't a result of my choices... pain that just "happened" to me.
fuck yeah I got mad... and I didn't feel guilty for getting mad. Nothing about my life has been fair. "what doensn't kill you makes yuo stronger" I took that as a curse... why do I need to be stronger? What the fuck are you going to throw at me next, dear god? Cancer? The death of my sister? My mother?
WHy do I need to be so strong? Everyone cries on my shoulder... but when I cry, I cry alone. There is no shoulder to support me.
All I can say, is that writing my blog, and receving the comments, has helped me more than any thing I have tried. I've posted some fucked up shit... shit I thought no one would EVER relate to... but there are people out htere, people who "get" it.
That's comforting. I still have some secrets I need to express... and it will will all be exposed soon... according to my willingness nad readiness...
Nothing that happened to you was fair. That's how I feel about the shit that's happened to me.
It's not fucking fair. I bawled my eyes readiong just a few of your posts...
Please know that you're not alone. But we're "strong", and capable of breaking hte cycle. There reallt isn't room for blame... for every abuser, there is an abuser...
You write beautifully. I feel your words, in a way I'm incapable of articulating...
But it's important to remember, that YOU make the decisions now. Fuck fate, fuck kharma... what is will always be, and every day is a new day...
I'm sorry! I'm writing here as if it's my fucking blog. I did'nt mean to invade your space. I can get windy... I apologize... take it as a compliment... you inspired me ... and you are not alone.
Um, feel your anger and accept it to yourself and then detach from it. You don't have a fight to pick with anyone. You are you, and some things may happen to us (read my blog) but it only up to us to take the things and learn from them or take the things and become them.
Think of your objective in this life...you were raped as kid; do you feel like stopping rape from happening? Take that anger and do something positive.
You can't change your past, but the future is yours.
Hopefully, your sould gets well.
I do hope to hear from you.
soul*
remember that it is up to you to have a great day.
Just srufing through and I saw this. Read the comments to. Say, if you're still going through those thoughts, you shouldn't let anyone push you into a leadership position. Just be honest and tell them you're having issues, and you need some time to get with God and get healed.
Honestly, as a part of your healing, you need to renew some things. To do this you have to let the mind of Christ 'write over' those episodes. I pray that God will grant you the victory.
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