The Brothers From Hell - Part 2
It's normal for teenage brothers to fight, but what I remember from my dysfunctional childhood is something far beyond sibling rivalry. Bobby and Ray fought like rabid dogs. Who knows why, I guess they just loved each other that much. As brutal as that sounds, I find it somewhat humorous, having grown up with a caustic and perverted concept of love. I was always torn when they fought; I never knew who to pull for - the lesser of two evils.
Ray almost killed Bobby once. I was pulling for Ray (that bastard) as a result of a beating I had received from Bobby earlier in the day. As I recall it, Bobby had been beating the crap out of Ray (as usual), but Ray managed to get his hands around Bobby's throat. Bobby ended up on the floor with Ray sitting on his chest chocking the life out of him. Though he couldn't speak, he was begging Ray to let him go. You could see the panic stricken plea in Bobby's eyes mirrored by the hate and contempt in Ray's. Tears streamed down his face and he foamed at the mouth as Ray continued to exert pressure on his throat. In recollection, I realize that Ray was making Bobby suffer; releasing pressure long enough for Bobby to get enough air to keep himself alive, then reapplying. Ray was screaming obscenities as Bobby drifted in and out of consciousness. My sister Shirley was crying, but I was excited! I believe that in that moment, I actually wanted him to die. Maybe that's a bit strong. Instead, let's say - I believe that in that moment, I actually would have been OK with the fact, had he died.
A car pulled into the driveway about the time Ray began to become weary from the energy spent on his new-found sport of choice. As soon as Shirley heard the car door slam she ran outside screaming "Ray's Killing Bobby! Ray's Killing Bobby!" I don't have a clue what she was thinking, but it sure wasn't self-preservation. Suddenly the 'old man' was there knocking Ray off Bobby's chest forcibly. Ray was not only unable to let go of Bobby's throat, he seemed liked he was lost in a trance. Bobby was unconscious initially, but came around eventually and before too long was back at the top of his fiendish little games, no worse for wear.
I'd like to tell you that something positive happened that day in the Haggard household, but honesty demands that I do not. I'd like nothing more than to be able to say that appropriate discipline was dished out as necessary, but once again, I simply cannot lie. Hell, I'd be OK with just being able to tell you that we sat down as a family and discussed the incident, but alas, all of those things are impossible to say, if we desire to walk the path of truth-be-known.
The greatest tragedy of my childhood was not the physical abuse; it was not the abandonment; nor was it the sexual abuse, painful as those things are. It was simply the denial, deception, and delusion of living in a dysfunctional family.
-b
Ray almost killed Bobby once. I was pulling for Ray (that bastard) as a result of a beating I had received from Bobby earlier in the day. As I recall it, Bobby had been beating the crap out of Ray (as usual), but Ray managed to get his hands around Bobby's throat. Bobby ended up on the floor with Ray sitting on his chest chocking the life out of him. Though he couldn't speak, he was begging Ray to let him go. You could see the panic stricken plea in Bobby's eyes mirrored by the hate and contempt in Ray's. Tears streamed down his face and he foamed at the mouth as Ray continued to exert pressure on his throat. In recollection, I realize that Ray was making Bobby suffer; releasing pressure long enough for Bobby to get enough air to keep himself alive, then reapplying. Ray was screaming obscenities as Bobby drifted in and out of consciousness. My sister Shirley was crying, but I was excited! I believe that in that moment, I actually wanted him to die. Maybe that's a bit strong. Instead, let's say - I believe that in that moment, I actually would have been OK with the fact, had he died.
A car pulled into the driveway about the time Ray began to become weary from the energy spent on his new-found sport of choice. As soon as Shirley heard the car door slam she ran outside screaming "Ray's Killing Bobby! Ray's Killing Bobby!" I don't have a clue what she was thinking, but it sure wasn't self-preservation. Suddenly the 'old man' was there knocking Ray off Bobby's chest forcibly. Ray was not only unable to let go of Bobby's throat, he seemed liked he was lost in a trance. Bobby was unconscious initially, but came around eventually and before too long was back at the top of his fiendish little games, no worse for wear.
I'd like to tell you that something positive happened that day in the Haggard household, but honesty demands that I do not. I'd like nothing more than to be able to say that appropriate discipline was dished out as necessary, but once again, I simply cannot lie. Hell, I'd be OK with just being able to tell you that we sat down as a family and discussed the incident, but alas, all of those things are impossible to say, if we desire to walk the path of truth-be-known.
The greatest tragedy of my childhood was not the physical abuse; it was not the abandonment; nor was it the sexual abuse, painful as those things are. It was simply the denial, deception, and delusion of living in a dysfunctional family.
-b
posted by Black Heart at 8:25 PM
2 Comments:
Uh-oh... looks like a spam-bot has found your blog.
Anyway... wow. I thought the last line of that post was so powerful that I had to pause and read it a couple more times. Simply awesome.
That particular memory... I can't even imagine. Do you have any theoeries on why your brothers were so filled with rage (not that day, but in general)?
These types of experience crush most people's spirit, and compels them to continue the cycle. You're obviously one of strong spirit.
You may a long way to go, you I think you are definitely on the right path for putting this pain behind you.
Hey Billy, Thanks for sharing. If you haven't already read it, read the account of Joseph in the Bible. It starts in Genesis 37 and goes through to the end of Genesis. It's a story of a young man hated and abused by his brothers (10 of them!) and what happens to him (and to them) in the end. Extraordinary story. One of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it. E-mail me on hisgrace@christiancounselorwaldorf.com if you'd like to talk about it more. God Bless.
Post a Comment
<< Home