The Rings of Trust
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." Tolstoy
Before I start my topic tonight I'd like to take a moment to thank those of you who have been so kind as to leave your most-welcome comments. I have been touched by your sentiments and your stories as well. I believe that recovery is possible via this outlet, but only through telling my story as well as hearing yours. Thank you.
Tolstoy never met the Black Heart. I want to change myself. I have been given the resources and the facilities to do it. I know that it is possible. I believe the Bible and it says that over time I will be transformed into the image of Christ. I take that to mean that I will be a loving, compassionate person, eager to spread the message of a life of joy. Can I level with you? That is a long way from where I am right now.
People piss me off, and I just plain don't like most of them. I guess because of the early abuse, I have always found it very difficult to trust people. I have never had a clear picture of what "love" is, nor have I ever developed more than a handful of close friendships. I seem to have varying degrees of 'closeness' that I assign to people, though admittedly, even the closest are held at arms-length. If you picture a series of concentric rings, Heather would be alone in the closest ring, with Matt and Joey in the 2nd closest ring, followed by Joe, PastorMan, James, and maybe Mike in the 3rd ring. The 4th ring would be various acquaintances that have been "deemed safe" though not necessarily trustworthy; here you'd find people like Jim, Doyle, Steve, the Newmans, etc. Outside that is a big ring that is just short of total stranger that includes almost everybody else that I know including most of my family. Though there are a few from the family that will never grace the floors of my three-ring circus.
I want to change the way I feel about people. I want to know what it's like to experience true friendship; true trust; true love. I also want to change the way people feel about me. I want them to know the real me, the me that I long to know.. my TRUE SELF as God created me to be...
-b
Before I start my topic tonight I'd like to take a moment to thank those of you who have been so kind as to leave your most-welcome comments. I have been touched by your sentiments and your stories as well. I believe that recovery is possible via this outlet, but only through telling my story as well as hearing yours. Thank you.
Tolstoy never met the Black Heart. I want to change myself. I have been given the resources and the facilities to do it. I know that it is possible. I believe the Bible and it says that over time I will be transformed into the image of Christ. I take that to mean that I will be a loving, compassionate person, eager to spread the message of a life of joy. Can I level with you? That is a long way from where I am right now.
People piss me off, and I just plain don't like most of them. I guess because of the early abuse, I have always found it very difficult to trust people. I have never had a clear picture of what "love" is, nor have I ever developed more than a handful of close friendships. I seem to have varying degrees of 'closeness' that I assign to people, though admittedly, even the closest are held at arms-length. If you picture a series of concentric rings, Heather would be alone in the closest ring, with Matt and Joey in the 2nd closest ring, followed by Joe, PastorMan, James, and maybe Mike in the 3rd ring. The 4th ring would be various acquaintances that have been "deemed safe" though not necessarily trustworthy; here you'd find people like Jim, Doyle, Steve, the Newmans, etc. Outside that is a big ring that is just short of total stranger that includes almost everybody else that I know including most of my family. Though there are a few from the family that will never grace the floors of my three-ring circus.
I want to change the way I feel about people. I want to know what it's like to experience true friendship; true trust; true love. I also want to change the way people feel about me. I want them to know the real me, the me that I long to know.. my TRUE SELF as God created me to be...
-b
posted by Black Heart at 11:53 PM
3 Comments:
You already are the person God created you to be.. doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement... but that sentence made me think that you perceive yourself as broken (not good enough) in some way. Please don't feel that way about yourself. (I should take my own advice, huh?)
I have no memory of being sexually abused, but I believe I was. I used to masturbate, as young a four years old, and say "don't doctor, don't doctor..." over and over again until a reached whatever climax a child that age can reach. Sounds fishy doesn't it?
I can appreciate your religioness (even though we differ in beliefs)... I just hope that you're not setting an impossble standard for yourself.
Keep in mind that you have a lifetime to schieve your potential... strive for progress, not perfection.
Holding yourself up to the image of Christ seems like setting yourself up for failure. I just dont' want you to "crack" under the pressure, you know?
I feel you on the trust issue. I struggled for years. I trust my sister. In time I learned to trust my husband. I've been married 8 years and there are still things he doesn't know. There are certain things I can't express to "real" people, no matter much they tell me they love me.
That's where blogging comes in really handy. I've written things on my blog that I would never enter into a journal for fear that someone might read it. Here, in this forum, I know damned well that people are gonna read it, but they are people I don't know... for some reason that is very reassuring.
The feedback of blogging is very helpful. No matter what fucked up shit I publish, there is someone out there who will relate... which really helps with those feelings of being a lost soul, you know?
I wake up every day, terrified about what I wrote last night, kicking myself in the ass for being so honest, and convinced that THIS is the day my blogger friends will turn their backs on me. But they never do. Everyone in blogland loves to read... they appreciate the balls it takes to open your soul because they've all done it.
Hopefully, you can learn to trust here.
Thanks again for your heart, black though you think it is. I know it's a good heart and I know that Christ will be faithful in seeing you through your struggle. Remember that Lazarus, although he was breathing and had a heartbeat after Jesus raised him from the dead, was still wrapped. Jesus told the others to unwrap him. Jesus didn't tell him to unwrap himself. It was intended to be a process that would take time and the loving assistance of his brethren. I believe that's a message to us that when we have been resurrected, don't expect to be "fixed" all at once. You sound like you understand that. Jesus understands it's a process and he wants to be there to help you and see you through, but He wants you to learn to rely on the the church (not a building full of people, but the whole population of true believers) to help you get unwrapped. It will happen. Thanks again for sharing, and I'm praying for you.
I noticed your email address isn't listed in your profile. I have something to say... but I really don't feel like saying it for all the world to read. If you want to hear it... you can email me through my profile, and I'll reply.
Post a Comment
<< Home